When most people picture depression, they picture someone who can’t get out of bed. Someone who has stopped going to work, stopped answering the phone and stopped taking care of themselves.
That can be what it looks like. But many people with depression are still going to work, still making dinner, still answering emails and showing up for their families. From the outside, nothing looks wrong. On the inside, everything takes more effort than it should.
It doesn’t always feel like sadness
Depression is often described as feeling sad, but many people say it doesn’t feel like sadness at all. It feels like flatness. Like the colour has gone out of things. Like you’re watching your life through glass.
Fatigue is common too. Not the kind of tired a good night’s sleep fixes, but a heaviness that sits in your body all day. Things you used to enjoy, like a hobby, a show or time with friends, start to feel like effort with no reward. You might go through the motions and feel nothing much either way.
Because it doesn’t match the picture people have, it’s easy to miss. You might call it being run down, being in a rut or just getting older.
Signs worth noticing
Depression shows up differently for different people. These are some of the signs that are worth paying attention to:
- Sleeping much more or much less than usual
- Pulling away from friends and family, or cancelling plans more often
- Finding that small tasks, like a phone call, a reply or a load of laundry, feel heavy
- Telling yourself you should be fine, because nothing is really wrong
That last one is worth pausing on. Many people talk themselves out of their own experience. They compare their life with others’ and decide they have no right to feel this way. They have a good job, a family and a roof over their head. But depression doesn’t check whether your life looks good on paper before it arrives.
Why functioning can hide it
Being able to keep going is a strength. It can also make depression harder to see, both for you and for the people around you.
If you’re used to being the reliable one, you may put all your remaining energy into keeping up appearances. You get through the workday, then have nothing left for the evening. You show up for others and then collapse when you’re alone. People may tell you that you seem fine, and you may agree with them, because admitting otherwise feels like failing.
Over time, running on empty takes a toll. The gap between how things look and how they feel can become lonely in itself.
When to talk to someone
Everyone has low days and low weeks. Grief, stress and disappointment can all bring them on, and they often lift on their own.
If what you’re feeling has lasted more than a couple of weeks, though, it’s worth talking to someone. The same goes if it’s affecting your work, your relationships or how you look after yourself, or if it’s getting harder rather than easier. You don’t need to be sure it’s depression. You don’t need to wait until you can’t function. Reaching out earlier, while you still have some energy, often makes the work easier.
Depression is common, and you don’t have to wait until it gets worse to get support. A family doctor is one good place to start, especially if you’re also noticing changes in your physical health. A therapist is another.
What therapy can offer
Therapy gives you a space where you don’t have to keep up appearances. You can say how you’re actually doing, without worrying about letting anyone down.
With a therapist, you can start to make sense of what’s going on: what might have contributed to it, what tends to make it heavier and what makes it a little lighter. Together you can work on practical things, like rebuilding routines that have slipped, reconnecting with people and activities that matter to you and noticing the harsh things you tell yourself. The pace is yours.
Therapy also doesn’t ask you to have energy you don’t have. If getting to a session feels like one more task, it’s fine to say so, and to start with whatever you can manage that week. Small steps count.
Often, what helps most at the start is simply not carrying it alone anymore.
At Talk It Out Clinic, sessions are by secure video anywhere in Ontario, in English, Hindi, Urdu or Russian. The first step is a free 15-minute phone consultation with our intake coordinator, who will match you with a therapist who fits. No referral is needed, and many extended health plans cover a Registered Psychotherapist.
If you’re thinking about suicide or in crisis, call or text 9-8-8 any time; if you’re in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.